We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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