Taylor Swift is so right about you.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
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