Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
