i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
