I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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