I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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