A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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