proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
