True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
