just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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