...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
