My liver just broke up with me...
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
We are all done wearing pants today
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
