My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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