I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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