first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
