this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
