I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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