drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
