Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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