Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
