Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i drank out of a bidet.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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