Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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