Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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