he told me I talked like a deaf person
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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