I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
