We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
