This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
