Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
