Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
you win again, gameday.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
