My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
