Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
