Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
