just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
