Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
