you're like a bully in the Christmas story
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
