i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Randomize
