You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Randomize
