I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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