apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Randomize
