Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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