She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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