I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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