whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
