yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
