I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
