Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
