I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
