I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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