I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
