I wish I could teleport
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
